95_Theses

It’s About the Future

Archive for September, 2007

the new happy hour

Posted by Citizen on September 1, 2007

Now that tobacco smoke is just used to annoy non-smokers on sidewalks everywhere, is there an alternative use that could help revive the moribund tobacco industry? In particular, where have all the farmers gone? Are they planting corn to sell into the ethanol scam? Maybe, but how about some new markets that aren’t yet regulated to death?

For example, how about tobacco smoked ham? Since society has already accepted the logic that every non-smoker should be subjected to second hand smoke by exiling the smokers from their haunts out into the streets, there should be no objection to barns full of hanging pork slowly transmorgifying in clouds of tobacco smoke. It should be cheaper for the smokers than hickory chips, and it would have that good old pub flavor charred right in.

Another area would be smoked salmon. This is something I know a little something about and let me say this, the depths of the uses for salmon are far from sounded. The state of Alaska is desperate for ways to trick out its over supply of salmon to enlarge the markets. It’s consider much nicer that hauling tons of rotten humpies out into the ocean and dumping them to prevent them from going upstream and making more of their kind. What could be niftier than the convergence of lox and tobacco smoke? Instead of killing alder trees and chopping them into itty bits to feed the smoke house, it would be symbiotic to get the dried crushed tobacco leaves smoldering under the refrigerator-cum-smokehouse that’s ubiquitous in the Alaska bush.

By extension this would be great for curing venison back straps, feral hogs, ducks, geese, and the Christmas turkey. All glazed to perfection by that most ancient indigenous American money crop, tobacco.

It’s the win, win, win solution when you think of all the pubs and common meeting houses and offices in American where smoking tobacco is already outlawed. There’s no law against jerky made with tobacco flavoring, wrapped in tobacco leaves, and spiced with a touch of another American great condiment, Tabasco sauce. Imagine the large art glass jar on the conference table full of the delightful treat, everyone in harmonious intake of pre-smoked, and therefore legal tobacco smoke. Can Tobacco Sauce be too far from your closest grocer’s shelves?

Oh happy hour. The air-born tobacco cleverly applied to the ingested item, making something that is much more than the sum of its two parts.

This would be the quintessential American solution to one of the quintessential American phobias. Power to the people indeed.

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